New Year's Resolution number 44

It's 2010, a year that holds great hope for many, including me. Luckily, I've gotten a great start and think that if I can continue to take things one day at a time, I might just find myself in December looking back on 12 awesome months! In these first 6 days of the year I'm on a roll... feeling organized and not overwhelmed, happy and not impatient, and the most energetic I've felt in months. A big thanks goes to my almost 19 month old, who has slept through the night most nights this week, which is a great help. As a result, I've had a seamless few days of getting to the gym on time each day, walking the dog every day, having dinner planned and made without much trouble and have stayed on top of the chores! The greatest thing though is just how filled with joy I've been when I glance at my little boys. My husband and I are teaming up each day to make sure that everything flows and it all just feels so dreamy! So here I am documenting the wonderful that is 2010 and need to recognize that the rollercoaster still exists. To do this, I am making yet another resolution for this year, and that is to update this blog much more frequently. I think I don't really do much because I only have one follower (Chris) (Hi!), so in order to motivate, I think I'll share this blog in order to have an audience. They say in writing classes that your writing is so much more frequent and inspired when you have an audience. I promise to write, even when the rollercoaster starts to turn downhill. I hate rollercoasters, but it's the best analogy to describe my true highs and lows. Happy New Year - Cheers to an amazing 2010.

Taking a Breather

It's been a long time since my last post. I think about this blog all the time, but am reluctant to document what was a dark period in this journey. Towards the end of August, Chris went to a photography workshop for a week and it unexpectedly rocked my world. I was slammed with an identity crisis that spiraled me into a depressed state where I was grasping for anything that would help me to find peace and a sense of identity outside of mothering. A wise friend of mine described it not of depression, but of grieving. Leaving a successful professional life merits a little time for grieving. While I knew that I had made the right decision, I didn't really know where I was headed. So now, a few months later, I can say that I have still won. I am thrilled to be home with my family and I am also thrilled to be having this time to redefine who I am. Lately I've been reading a lot on the concept of mothering. It is something different for every mother, and since my mother is gone, I feel a little bit lost. It's possible that I'd feel this way even if she were around, but I'll never know. The bottom line is that I miss her terribly and since she is the one who knows me best, I wish she were around to help me sort things out.
In light of this topic, I am sharing my new favorite picture. To me, it is the first photo I've seen that makes me feel like I've actually grown into being a mother. When I first saw this photo, there was something about it that looked different to me. Maybe it's the new wrinkles, or maybe it's just the sweet smile on my face as I look into those big blue eyes. What ever it is, I cling to it as a stepping stone to walk me through the next little while.

I Won

Today, I won.
I thought the stay at home mommy honeymoon had ended a couple of weeks ago and that I was destined for a decade of sucking it up, putting a smile on my face and getting through another day full of housework. I am pleasantly surprised to report that yes, it is true, I won!
Last night I went to bed after a marginally improved evening of dreaded swimming lessons and a tower of laundry to fold, looking at me with it's sock eyes and giant basket feet. Strangely, I could not sleep. Just last week I was telling Chris that I spend many hours of the day thinking about sleep. When will I sleep? What time will I go to bed? How many hours do I get? sleep? sleep? sleep, where are you? Last night though, I could not sleep. After awhile, I realized what had happened. I could not sleep because I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I couldn't wait to do more, to see my family and to get to that a** kicking gym. I truly couldn't wait. My job for the night was to try to forget about tomorrow and to remember my nighttime job, the job I have been thinking about for not weeks, but months.. sleep. I slept just ok, and after just a few hours, I hopped out of bed before anyone else, had a Folgers kind of a moment drinking my coffee alone and then slipped on my sneakers and used them to sneak out to the gym.
Today, I had the thrill of folding laundry, cooking dinner, putting things away, playing with the boys, and best of all: making "L's" with my son Luke out of velcro, glue and quinoa. It's so great and I think that this euphoric feeling I have is telling me that yes, I won. The honeymoon is over and still... I really won.

Update on the "Arms" Race

Today I did TWO dead hang pull ups.

On Leave

Last night I told Chris about a great nap that I took a couple of days after I started my leave...haha...I guess it still hasn't hit me that this is for real. I'm already in week 3 of my new life as a stay at home mom and am neck deep in the process of re-defining myself. I have a looooong list of tasks that I wrote down on my first day and am slowly chipping away at it. I can definitely feel a difference already. The floor is swept more often, I know what's for dinner and I'm starting to see friends again. Unfortunately, the great nap that I referred to has not repeated itself, but that's okay. The fact that the possibility even exists is wonderful.

Ok, gotta go. Today's task is exercising the "Lady of Leisure" title that I've been given two times in the last week. As annoying and untrue as that title is, the task that I've given myself is enjoyable: On the couch with a laptop, watching the Today show. It's actually homework, so that when I watch impressions of Hoda and Kathie Lee on SNL I can laugh harder.

My Arms Race

My sisters and I joke that we've inherited fat arms. We so want to have these beautiful, sculpted arms that stand out with a sleeveless top. I remember even in 4th grade, after hours and hours of swim team, I stood in the Phantom Lake Pool girls locker room and looked carefully at my arms. I distinctly remember thinking, "Look at that! My arm muscles are starting to show! I'm getting strong!" Unfortunately, they must have been at their very best that day, or perhaps the lighting was just so, to bring out those deltoids and biceps and triceps, that I didn't see an improvement in those arms for the rest of the summer. Now that I'm in a rigorous exercise routine, I'm back to checking out my arms and making plans with my coaches at the IC on how to build stronger, more sculpted arms. I must say, that they are currently looking more toned than I think they've ever been since that summer day when I was 9. It's very motivating.
Another source of motivation is today's Ice Chamber video. The woman featured is on Chris's 0900 team and I've seen her do a bootcamp workout. She makes it look easy. She appears to do all of the reps of every exercise and with great strength and grace. Here, she's featured modeling good push up form. Mara's Push Ups

One day we can post a video of me on this blog doing push ups just as well.
My real goal, however, is to bench press my children, one on each arm. As the days pass, they are not getting any lighter. It is the true assignment of diligence to work on my arm strength before they get too heavy. Thus, I will officially call it, "My Arms Race."

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

It's like they know I'm in a transitional state. As each day passes, the boys reach for me more, ask for me more and hold on to me tighter when I lean to hand them over to Chris or Ixchel(our nanny). It's getting more and more difficult to get any work done. I have three weeks to go, a to do list that is very long and the clock is ticking away. I know that I've said that it's okay not to finish everything, but finishing up my work in a professional way is something that I must finish. I take pride in my work, believe in what I've established at my job, and hope to leave it better than how I found it.
Hopefully, on my last day of work in three weeks, I won't have completely lost my marbles from burning the candle at both ends.