Taking a Breather

It's been a long time since my last post. I think about this blog all the time, but am reluctant to document what was a dark period in this journey. Towards the end of August, Chris went to a photography workshop for a week and it unexpectedly rocked my world. I was slammed with an identity crisis that spiraled me into a depressed state where I was grasping for anything that would help me to find peace and a sense of identity outside of mothering. A wise friend of mine described it not of depression, but of grieving. Leaving a successful professional life merits a little time for grieving. While I knew that I had made the right decision, I didn't really know where I was headed. So now, a few months later, I can say that I have still won. I am thrilled to be home with my family and I am also thrilled to be having this time to redefine who I am. Lately I've been reading a lot on the concept of mothering. It is something different for every mother, and since my mother is gone, I feel a little bit lost. It's possible that I'd feel this way even if she were around, but I'll never know. The bottom line is that I miss her terribly and since she is the one who knows me best, I wish she were around to help me sort things out.
In light of this topic, I am sharing my new favorite picture. To me, it is the first photo I've seen that makes me feel like I've actually grown into being a mother. When I first saw this photo, there was something about it that looked different to me. Maybe it's the new wrinkles, or maybe it's just the sweet smile on my face as I look into those big blue eyes. What ever it is, I cling to it as a stepping stone to walk me through the next little while.

I Won

Today, I won.
I thought the stay at home mommy honeymoon had ended a couple of weeks ago and that I was destined for a decade of sucking it up, putting a smile on my face and getting through another day full of housework. I am pleasantly surprised to report that yes, it is true, I won!
Last night I went to bed after a marginally improved evening of dreaded swimming lessons and a tower of laundry to fold, looking at me with it's sock eyes and giant basket feet. Strangely, I could not sleep. Just last week I was telling Chris that I spend many hours of the day thinking about sleep. When will I sleep? What time will I go to bed? How many hours do I get? sleep? sleep? sleep, where are you? Last night though, I could not sleep. After awhile, I realized what had happened. I could not sleep because I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I couldn't wait to do more, to see my family and to get to that a** kicking gym. I truly couldn't wait. My job for the night was to try to forget about tomorrow and to remember my nighttime job, the job I have been thinking about for not weeks, but months.. sleep. I slept just ok, and after just a few hours, I hopped out of bed before anyone else, had a Folgers kind of a moment drinking my coffee alone and then slipped on my sneakers and used them to sneak out to the gym.
Today, I had the thrill of folding laundry, cooking dinner, putting things away, playing with the boys, and best of all: making "L's" with my son Luke out of velcro, glue and quinoa. It's so great and I think that this euphoric feeling I have is telling me that yes, I won. The honeymoon is over and still... I really won.

Update on the "Arms" Race

Today I did TWO dead hang pull ups.

On Leave

Last night I told Chris about a great nap that I took a couple of days after I started my leave...haha...I guess it still hasn't hit me that this is for real. I'm already in week 3 of my new life as a stay at home mom and am neck deep in the process of re-defining myself. I have a looooong list of tasks that I wrote down on my first day and am slowly chipping away at it. I can definitely feel a difference already. The floor is swept more often, I know what's for dinner and I'm starting to see friends again. Unfortunately, the great nap that I referred to has not repeated itself, but that's okay. The fact that the possibility even exists is wonderful.

Ok, gotta go. Today's task is exercising the "Lady of Leisure" title that I've been given two times in the last week. As annoying and untrue as that title is, the task that I've given myself is enjoyable: On the couch with a laptop, watching the Today show. It's actually homework, so that when I watch impressions of Hoda and Kathie Lee on SNL I can laugh harder.

My Arms Race

My sisters and I joke that we've inherited fat arms. We so want to have these beautiful, sculpted arms that stand out with a sleeveless top. I remember even in 4th grade, after hours and hours of swim team, I stood in the Phantom Lake Pool girls locker room and looked carefully at my arms. I distinctly remember thinking, "Look at that! My arm muscles are starting to show! I'm getting strong!" Unfortunately, they must have been at their very best that day, or perhaps the lighting was just so, to bring out those deltoids and biceps and triceps, that I didn't see an improvement in those arms for the rest of the summer. Now that I'm in a rigorous exercise routine, I'm back to checking out my arms and making plans with my coaches at the IC on how to build stronger, more sculpted arms. I must say, that they are currently looking more toned than I think they've ever been since that summer day when I was 9. It's very motivating.
Another source of motivation is today's Ice Chamber video. The woman featured is on Chris's 0900 team and I've seen her do a bootcamp workout. She makes it look easy. She appears to do all of the reps of every exercise and with great strength and grace. Here, she's featured modeling good push up form. Mara's Push Ups

One day we can post a video of me on this blog doing push ups just as well.
My real goal, however, is to bench press my children, one on each arm. As the days pass, they are not getting any lighter. It is the true assignment of diligence to work on my arm strength before they get too heavy. Thus, I will officially call it, "My Arms Race."

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

It's like they know I'm in a transitional state. As each day passes, the boys reach for me more, ask for me more and hold on to me tighter when I lean to hand them over to Chris or Ixchel(our nanny). It's getting more and more difficult to get any work done. I have three weeks to go, a to do list that is very long and the clock is ticking away. I know that I've said that it's okay not to finish everything, but finishing up my work in a professional way is something that I must finish. I take pride in my work, believe in what I've established at my job, and hope to leave it better than how I found it.
Hopefully, on my last day of work in three weeks, I won't have completely lost my marbles from burning the candle at both ends.

Work

Today I GO to work. I must leave the house to go and proctor state testing. I'll be out three days this week. Yes, commuter moms would say to me, "cry me a river Nancy, go call whine-11," but to me it is a big deal. It will be a good experience for me to have to remind me of why I want to be at home. Time to go take a shower, get ready, pack lunch, pack the pump, pack my bag and get going!

Strength and Courage

Props to the Ice Chamber for giving me the strength and the courage to help me find myself. I've always had an athlete in me, I just haven't always had the motivation or the time to nurture it. In February 2009 I stayed up late one night, sitting on the couch, glancing at the TV and browsing the web, trying to figure out what to do with my lost self. I'm not sure how I came back to it, but I landed on the home page of the Ice Chamber, a gym that I'd heard about after having my first baby. It looked hard core, it required discipline and commitment. After thoroughly digesting the website, I decided it was just the thing to shake things up a bit and I made my financial commitment right away, in the middle of the night(they are all set up with pay pal for impulsive infomercial sucker types like myself - smart business plan!). I then followed up with an e-mail to my husband explaining what the plan was so that when I woke up the next morning I'd have a record of what the heck I was thinking the night before. Three months later, I'm 9 pounds and 4% body fat lighter, a size smaller, and so much stronger in body AND mind. An added bonus is that my husband has joined me in this venture and we now spend our dinners comparing notes about what was fun and what was painful about morning bootcamp. I'm jealous that he's able to do two pull ups more than I can, but I'm certain that I'll catch up. There's no stopping me and there's no looking back. Finding the athlete in me again has been rejuvenating and I honestly think that seeing myself gain physical strength and endurance has given me some of the courage that it took to quit my job. I know that I have the mental ability to get through challenges and I also know that I have my daily workouts to look forward to.
Thanks Chris for cheering me on and thanks to the folks Ice Chamber for being so positive, so supportive and so athletic!

Testimonials to my first exciting efforts are here:
http://icechamber.com/blog/2009/05/02/more-kb-graduates/
http://icechamber.com/blog/2009/03/27/meet-your-competition/

Good for You!!!

I don't know any other stay at home moms near me. I live in the Bay Area, where it is expensive to live and not many can just choose to stay home and not make a second income to support the family. Additionally, the economy is not so good right now. People are struggling to pay the mortgage, lay offs are common and belt tightening to pay for the rise in grocery and utility bills is universal. So, when it comes to me saying, "hey, I'm quitting my job," the responses are not as overwhelmingly positive as one might think they should be, given how great it is. What makes me most uncomfortable is the feeling of dollar signs that seem to appear in the eyes of the person I just told. It's like I have money hanging out of all of my pockets by the way that they look at me. Thankfully, my husband makes enough money that we can do this, but it doesn't happen without a budget. I'm probably extra sensitive about it because I'm sensitive about money, but I definitely get a strange vibe. It makes me feel uncomfortable about telling people that I'm not going to work. The responses are too unpredictable: "nice for you!" "Do I congratulate you or tell you
I'm sorry?" "oh......(silence)" I just don't know what to do with some of these responses because really, all I want to hear is "good for you!"
There are also many moms who look forward to getting out of the house to go to work every day. It does feel very nice to go to a child free environment where you can get things done without interruption, go to the bathroom whenever you feel like it and eat sitting down. "I could never stay home" is a common thread among working moms and I totally get it. Understanding my choice to be at the mercy of my two year old when I'm exhausted and stir crazy is probably difficult to figure. Addressing how I handle that will have to be another post...after I figure it out. The bottom line is that I need to find other moms in my situation. If I'm going to do this well without losing my marbles, I'll need to set up a local support system. And when I meet the other marvelous mommies who have decided to stay home with their kiddos, the first thing they'll hear from me is, "good for you!"

"Always finish what you start." These are the words of wisdom that my father impressed upon me one day when I was in elementary school. I think I was working on a composition that I didn't feel like finishing and he really wanted to coach me to the end. Nevertheless, the phrase has stuck with me and it has made it unbearably difficult for me to leave things unfinished. I think that the spirit behind the phrase is very true and important to remember. I don't think that my father meant for me to be crippled by it at times.
Leaving my job, a fun, exciting and challenging job was not an easy decision. After seven years at the same school, I had risen to the top, to a place where I was trusted to make the right decisions and to guide my department to where I thought was best for the school. I had a powerful job, to maintain a growing staff of 500+ who would be expected to guide our students to greatness. I had a flexible job, many would call it a dream job, where I could work from home, have my kids at home with me and still work full time. Right. Little does anyone know that if you have any kind of work ethic, your work from home job will be extremely frustrating until you can find the balance of working, parenting and managing a household. In that order. My solution was to send my older child to preschool and to hire a nanny to watch the baby three days a week. It was nice for awhile, until the day that I realized that I had lost my way. I no longer had a handle on managing my house or raising my kids. I was a working mom, with a nice collection of spreadsheets and a strategic plan for the next twelve months of recruiting. What I didn't have was time with my kids or a plan for dinner. Although I rarely left the house, I came to realize that I really wasn't the stay at home mom that I had once envisioned myself to be. I reflected, I pondered, I feared and I worried. I agonized and tried to justify this and that and in the end I concluded that it was time to quit. Time to quit the lifestyle that I never expected i'd find myself to be in. Time to quit the role of working mother. Time to quit the chaos of doing it all. Time to quit what I started.